I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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