What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
