I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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