I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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