I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
