I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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