it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
