Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
