if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
