You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
