Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
