Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
