His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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