i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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