I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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