it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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