maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
