His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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