Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have aggressive nipples.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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