I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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