i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
