I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
