Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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