Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
