wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
