the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
