Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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