my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
