well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
