The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
