did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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