is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
