Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
