Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
