What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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