I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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