She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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