Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
