if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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