Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
