a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize