it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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