Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize