First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
