um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
