Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
