I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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