Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
