oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
