Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm both gender and math confused
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
