so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
