Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
