If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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