Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
