take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
